Baby blues

My son is now 12. He will turn 13 in july. When I was younger, I wanted to have a big family, at least 2 kids. I was a single kid and it's been something I really hated. I still do. I'm always thinking that, when my parents will be gone, I'll be all alone. I will live these losses all by myself. I have friends of course but it's totally different. So I promised myself that I wouldn't have a single kid. But time has passed and I don't want another kid anymore. I think...

I've been alone with my son since his first birthday until his 8th. It was hard raising him alone. He was not an easy kid, had a lot of trouble in school, didn't make any friends, i had my own problems too, well, you see the pattern. And my life was a little messy. It was a mess in my head and my heart. So I decided that I would never, ever, have another baby. I was not the mother I wanted to be and I didn't want to be the misplaced mother of two. When I met my actual boyfriend, I was single for three years. He didn't want to have kids and it was perfect for me. But the years had passed and now, he might have changed his mind. I know he would be a fabulous father but i'm still not convince that I would be a good mother. Honestly, I think I'm just too lazy to start it all over again. I'm starting to get my life back. Am I selfish? Probably. But I better be selfish than being a bad mother. Maybe I'm afraid to raise him\her alone again and I wouldn't be able to do it once more.

I don't want another kid because I'm having trouble taking care of myself, because I feel like a kid, because....because!

But seeing all of you sweet mother bloggers makes me re-think it. I don't think I will change my mind but sometimes, I envy you. Sometimes I would like to start it all over again now that I have a house instead of a tiny apartment, that I have a large backyard and a forest instead of a small square of grass in a busy town, that I have a good job and a lovely boyfriend instead of shity minimum salary job and nobody on my side. It would be the perfect time and place to have a baby. But a baby is not there only for a couple of years, it's there for your whole life. There's no turning back. And I'm already 36, I think it's pretty old to have a baby. So I will continue to look at your beautiful and happy families but I won't grow mine. I love my son from the deep bottom of my heart and that's enough and perfect for me.

Does it make me a bad person?